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Zardari's Royal Jotshi

When people stand for public office the presumption is that they are better than others. But public figures here expect the same immunity as that of a private citizen. Politicians stall basic queries, even about the number of wives and children they may have, in the name of morality. We want to contest them through innuendo, humour and sarcasm—our best weapon in a society that suppresses information to the hilt.No hard feelings we hope—Editor

By: Neetam Rima

 

Who is the biggest influence on President Asif Zardari? We can tell you it is not his son Bilawal, Faryal Baji or even his golden briefcase-holder Qayyum Soomro—even if he continues to claim that he is the official taster of the President.

It’s Motumal. Ever heard of him? Well, he is the President’s chief jotshi. He is a leading lawyer and a human rights activist--a fine gentleman but a finer astrologer-cum-palmist particularly specializing in numerology. Five minutes you spend with him and he will make you change your name, car, house or even spouse—more hubbies get changed than wives though. He never got married himself as this was not recommended in his ‘janam-kundli.’ Imagine his power over the most powerful person in Pakistan. How did he get there?

Faryal Baji, as Godfather, is superstitious. She has always had great faith in Motumal, who is well known among old Sindhi families. Sindhi Hindus claim they pioneered astrology and Motumal is one of them. Sindhi and Rajhistani Rajas always had official jotshis. When everything failed jotshi was asked to suggest aupai  (solution). It was time for Asif to have one if he wanted to be a Raja, she thought.

Asif Zardaris was going through hell at the turn of the last millennium. He had been in jail for two years. Benazir Bhutto was virtually exiled and he could not even meet children. His captor, Nawaz Sharif was going strong after his ‘heavy mandate’ and threw out Jahangir Karamat as Army Chief. Tormentor-in-Chief Saifur Rehman tortured him physically—remember when Asif’s tongue was cut by a blade.  

Aghast, Faryal Baji presented herself before the oracle. “Motumal, the most powerful and the one who can read stars, please do something,” beseeched Faryal on her knees. Motumal took his time and asked her not to worry. “I see the skies clearing in a few months,” said Motumal the oracle. “It will not be over completely but some respite will come. I also see dangerous things.”

“What dangerous thing Saeen,” she asked. “War,” he said. “War? What are you talking about; what did you drink today,” she could not resist bursting but then controlled herself so that the oracle should not be annoyed. “Oh, the great one, please explain; my Bhayya Saeen is going to die,” she said crying, tears rolling down her cheeks, asli karamti surma that Soomro had got from Karbala all over her face.

Motumal looked in the sky, chanting Sanskrit words, announced that it’s a war between India and Pakistan. His eyes shining, he thundered, “I see clouds of war hanging in the Sub-continent; Jupitar is clearly clashing with mars; this means that Agni is in rage, hence war, piraschit karna ho ga.”

“But Saeen, Vajpai is coming to Pakistan and both countries are moving towards peace; how is this possible,” Baji argued.

The oracle took it as an offence. “You challenge the only greatjotshi left on this side of the border; What will happen to this country if I also leave; now I will not tell you the aupai,” he said angrily. “This is what I see; go tell your Bhayya that it’s going to happen around May 20th. I am now giving you a date.”

But before she left, he gave her good news that one day Bhayya was going to be a Raja, saying, “it’s in his stars.”

The poor Baji was mixed up. She could not figure out whether this was good news or bad. Anyway, she wanted to mitigate Bhayya’s misery. So she went over to him and told him everything that the jotshi had said verbatim. “Jhoota hai sala,” Bhayya flared up. ‘And you too; I thought you were smarter and could do more than cook Sindhi Biryani.”

She tried to convince him about the great prowess of the jotshi and how he had predicted a few things in the past. But Asif repeated the same argument about Vajpayee and peace that she had repeated before the jotshi. Bhayya was not convinced and admonished her for wasting time on such fakes.

Poor Baji, her face blackened perpetually from karamti surma—Soomro be damned--came out more dejected and started waiting for May 20th. She got up early in the morning that day to see newspapers. Nothing there. She even went outside to see in the sky if there were any signs of war, smoke, planes, anything. There was nothing on radio or TV either. She called Motumal and asked about his prophecy. “The stars can't predict the exact time; give them a margin of four, five days. You wait,” he told her. It was the most terrible time for her until two days when she was woken up by her sister, shouting “Get up, there’s a war between India and Pakistan in Kargil.” Baji went into a sudden sijda, chanting, “ shukr, shukr, Maula shukr.” Perplexed, her sister thought Baji had gone bonkers. Little did she know what was there to be happy about a war. “Bhaya is going to be a Raja; Karamti surma has worked,” she told her surprised sister. Since then Motumal has never looked back.

He remains the most important person at the Presidency. He claims he even predicted 9/11 but the Johnies in the US did not believe in this ‘crap.’ He was a regular guest while Asif was at Ziauddin Hospital in Karachi. The voluptuously beautiful nurses that Dr Asim made sure were always around will vouch for this. He  predicted the trajectory of Asif’s life accurately. After all, he did become Raja. So you know why Motumal is so important.

The good thing is that he is an honest soul, the kind who would not misuse his influence on the President. But then can we say this about the President. Who knows what he will do with the 'dark' knowledge that he gets through Motumal. Watch out. We will keep following the trail of Motumal. 

Best kept secret of man from ‘Chakri’

By: Neetam Rima

The story about PML (N)’s Chaudhary Nisar Ali Khan wearing a wig is an old one. It required the guts of MQM to divulge the best kept secret of politics—something that everybody knew but never talked about.

A new twist has been added to the story now. It’s not one but at least three different wigs that the Man from Chakri, as he is popularly known, wears. One has short hair, the second middle-sized and the third one has longer hair. He changes a wig every 15 days. This gives the impression as if he got a haircut. He actually believes that by doing this he will escape the laser gaze of the media, Altaf Bhai and Kashmala Tariq.

However, a Joint Investigation Team (JIT) comprising CIA, RAW, MI6 and Mossad verfies the charge by comparing his photographs (shown above) with three different-sized haircuts. A new picture has been leaked to the Press which, titled ‘Chaudhary Nisar by night,’ lays bare his state of hair. But his family sources insist that it’s a fake as he never removes his wig even at night, come hail or wife. This has been a major cause of friction in the family.

Our first impression about the ‘Nisar by night’ picture was that it was the handiwork of the wily MQM. But our brilliant and valiant ISI has outsmarted the Yahood-o-Hanood JIT by digging out that the footmarks lead to Bahria Town’s Malik Riaz. It is actually a computer projection of what the bald Nisar might actually look like. Malik has done this to prove that his sworn-enemy, Chaudhary Nisar, is as ‘bald and beautiful’ as he is. Moreover, Sheikh Rasheed has abetted in the crime. Himself bald, Sheikh Rasheed claims that he is not “doghla.” Meera confirms that the Sheikh might change women but never his wig even when it got infested by lice.

Obviously, nothing bad about changing wigs every 15 days but that this says something about the Man from Chakri—his real face and the one he shows us.

By the way Chakri is the home town of Chaudhary Nisar and should not be attributed to its Urdu translation which means 'somebody who cannot be trusted'—though anthropologists insist that the name got stuck because the people of this historic town on River Sawaan have always known to be ‘Chakri.’ Motorway commuters complain that their shoes get stolen every time they stop for prayers at Chakri mosque. And here is the man the voters of Chakri have elected seven times in a row—for some rare Chakri merit I am sure.

Another issue is that his wig remains as jet black as ever. He refuses to grow up—and believe me not just in hair colour. His son once asked him publicly, “daddy, why don’t you grow old?” The poor kid is teased as “Dorian Gray da puttar” in college.

Imran Khan claims Nisar had this complex from childhood. He says the man from Chakri would fret for hours about his falling hair when they studied at Aitchison College. Imran’s theory is that he is angry with himself, the party, friends, servants but hates as much as Taliban do. It’s a ‘hair complex’ that keeps face frowning perpetually.

Journalist Mohammad Maalick believes that it’s a PML (N) complex. In an off-the-record interview he said the entire party suffers from this anathema against ganjas. This was the reason both Nawaz Sharif and Shahbaz Sharif got hair grafting done during exile. A self professed spokesperson of Pakistan Baldies Association, Maalick is a proud baldie who believes "God made a few perfect heads--the rest have hair."

He has appealed to the patriot ganja not to vote for PML (N) until they make Chaudhary Nisar remove his wig. His parting message to his community: Baldies of the world, Unite—you have nothing to lose but your hair.

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