By: Neetam Rima
The story about PML (N)’s Chaudhary Nisar Ali Khan wearing a wig is an old one. It required the guts of MQM to divulge the best kept secret of politics—something that everybody knew but never talked about.
A new twist has been added to the story now. It’s not one but at least three different wigs that the Man from Chakri, as he is popularly known, wears. One has short hair, the second middle-sized and the third one has longer hair. He changes a wig every 15 days. This gives the impression as if he got a haircut. He actually believes that by doing this he will escape the laser gaze of the media, Altaf Bhai and Kashmala Tariq.
However, a Joint Investigation Team (JIT) comprising CIA, RAW, MI6 and Mossad verfies the charge by comparing his photographs (shown above) with three different-sized haircuts. A new picture has been leaked to the Press which, titled ‘Chaudhary Nisar by night,’ lays bare his state of hair. But his family sources insist that it’s a fake as he never removes his wig even at night, come hail or wife. This has been a major cause of friction in the family.
Our first impression about the ‘Nisar by night’ picture was that it was the handiwork of the wily MQM. But our brilliant and valiant ISI has outsmarted the Yahood-o-Hanood JIT by digging out that the footmarks lead to Bahria Town’s Malik Riaz. It is actually a computer projection of what the bald Nisar might actually look like. Malik has done this to prove that his sworn-enemy, Chaudhary Nisar, is as ‘bald and beautiful’ as he is. Moreover, Sheikh Rasheed has abetted in the crime. Himself bald, Sheikh Rasheed claims that he is not “doghla.” Meera confirms that the Sheikh might change women but never his wig even when it got infested by lice.
Obviously, nothing bad about changing wigs every 15 days but that this says something about the Man from Chakri—his real face and the one he shows us.
By the way Chakri is the home town of Chaudhary Nisar and should not be attributed to its Urdu translation which means 'somebody who cannot be trusted'—though anthropologists insist that the name got stuck because the people of this historic town on River Sawaan have always known to be ‘Chakri.’ Motorway commuters complain that their shoes get stolen every time they stop for prayers at Chakri mosque. And here is the man the voters of Chakri have elected seven times in a row—for some rare Chakri merit I am sure.
Another issue is that his wig remains as jet black as ever. He refuses to grow up—and believe me not just in hair colour. His son once asked him publicly, “daddy, why don’t you grow old?” The poor kid is teased as “Dorian Gray da puttar” in college.
Imran Khan claims Nisar had this complex from childhood. He says the man from Chakri would fret for hours about his falling hair when they studied at Aitchison College. Imran’s theory is that he is angry with himself, the party, friends, servants but hates as much as Taliban do. It’s a ‘hair complex’ that keeps face frowning perpetually.
Journalist Mohammad Maalick believes that it’s a PML (N) complex. In an off-the-record interview he said the entire party suffers from this anathema against ganjas. This was the reason both Nawaz Sharif and Shahbaz Sharif got hair grafting done during exile. A self professed spokesperson of Pakistan Baldies Association, Maalick is a proud baldie who believes "God made a few perfect heads--the rest have hair."
He has appealed to the patriot ganja not to vote for PML (N) until they make Chaudhary Nisar remove his wig. His parting message to his community: Baldies of the world, Unite—you have nothing to lose but your hair.