Facebook, or any other social media, is frightfully revealing. The only thing it doesn’t reveal too much is your physical appearance. With display pictures taken in a certain way and edited several times, it can definitely make you come across as some real life model who just couldn’t make it to the ramp. But when it comes to the rest of the content, it can come off as a sickening yet interesting insight into our urban middle class, educated minds.
The first category would be Mr. Closet Pervert.
Mr. Closet Pervert is the one who would gleefully make pages like ‘Bachi of the Day’ and post sassy ‘bachi’ jokes several times a day. But no, he is not done yet. Sometimes, or maybe on a regular basis, Mr. Closet Pervert would simultaneously share pictures showing uncovered female flesh as toffees upon which several masoom houseflies are flying and how to perform wuzzu, oh I mean wuddu, correctly.
A cursory look on bhai jaan’s ‘like’ list can easily come off like this : We love Islam, Beyonce, Veena Malik Sexy, Veena Malik Jahanumi, We can get 10000000000 likes for ‘Islam is the best’ and of course, ‘Piyari Bachiyan’; the list goes on, but you get the drift. No this is not where Mr. Closet Pervert stops; he stalks every ‘mutual friend ki mutual friends’ profile and sends friends requests. In case he is unable to send a request he will drop a message saying: ‘Sister, please take off your cover picture, its open for public view. Regards, Khudaye Thekay Daar’.
In case Mr. Closet Pervert has already got a few chicks on his hands, he would make sure to throw a kunda to catch this one hot fish for his friend, who is obviously not as resourceful as Mr. Closet Pervert himself.
The second category would be Mr. Islamic Encyclopedia.
Share a picture of dead whale and they will ask: what about all those dead Palestinians, Bosnians, Kashmiris? When they are done with counting all the dead bodies of all the Muslims belonging anywhere outside the geographical coordinates of Pakistan, they can always just provide you with free Arabic pronunciation service like: it’s not Rana, its RaaA’na, brother.
What is the point of this throat, my brother, if you are not going to use it?
Islamic encyclopedia can also go in detail on how a woman who refuses to sleep with her hubby would be deemed Veena…err no I mean kafira one day. They would tag you with pictures of Mekkah and send you group messages to over 100 friends, asking them to read Subhan Allah three times and will ask you to forward the message before shaitan stops you!
The third category would be Emotional Atyaacharis.
Yes the Why-oh-God-why-me types…
They will post cryptic heartbroken status several times a week. They are in an eternal emo-state and are always eating out on their hearts publicly. There is this one friend who would already know what’s wrong but he/she will still like the status and post a comment asking ‘what’s wrong?’ and to keep the drama going on, they will just reply back with ‘inbox’!
The fourth category would be Hey-look-I-am-so-beayootiphull.
Ok let’s accept it, they are good looking and they know it. They will post nothing but their own pictures, one outside in the sun, in cloudy weather, when it finally starts to rain, with balloons, with a cute kid, with several other less good looking people, a picture where they just woke up, where they are about to sleep, where they are about to pee, where they recently got a new haircut. On a serious note, please make no exceptions; I have seen both girls and boys doing this.
The fifth category would be I-am-NOT-single-anymore.
And this, my friends, is the epic category. Call me bitchy, but it’s exclusively for girls and about girls. This is how it begins: All of a sudden the cryptic messages fade away and it starts with sharing pictures of wedding dresses and expensive jewellery and finally with a relationship status update saying, ‘miss-not-single-anymore just got engaged to some guy’.
What follows on is rather torturous. Miss-not-single-anymore is set on posting several pictures a day (and tagging her hubby-to-be), mentioning all the qualities of what constitutes a good father and a husband.
Occasionally, she will begin to feel sad about having to leave her parents and will post a sad note on how betiyaan are parayee amanat and it should be well taken care of. In case dulha bhai is living far away, an even more tortuous side of Facebook display of affection will unleash, making you feel like a cold hearted loner who never had the chance to shower FDAs (facebook display of affection) on your ex, family members or your cat for that matter.
Finally miss not-single-anymore becomes miss-just-got-married to eventually just-became-a-mom. She will post several thousand pictures of herself with her hubby, with that same smile and that same shadi-walla-jora for the next nine months until the baby is out and voila, here comes the actual explosion: no matter how ugly the baby looks, she will post the pictures so many times that you will be able to read minute differences between all the Facebook babies that were born around the same time and have become Facebook celebrities already. At this point, if you make all those babies sit in a line, you can easily identify them and tell that which one belongs to whom.
Social media is all about showing off and sharing, but I guess when it comes to public forums, we forget to apply the same etiquette we follow in social gatherings!
The writer is a social critic